My Heavily Edited Immortal
by Marcelisabeth Sinclaire
Summary: I am a grammar addict by nature, so I gave in to my primal urges and took on this challenge. I also added in bits to help explain some of the more...er...strange parts. Language is also mildly censored.


AN: Special thanks (get it, cause I'm gothic) to my girlfriend (ew, not in that way) Raven, bloodytearz666, for helping me with the story and spelling. You rock! Justin, you're the love of my depressing life. You rock, too! THAT BAND I LIKE ROCKS!

Hi, my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony hair (that's how I got my name) I'm not related to Gerard Way, but I wish I was. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in Scotland, where I'm in the seventh year; I'm seventeen. I'm a Goth, in case you couldn't tell.

I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining, so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of silly people stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

AN: Is it good? Please tell me, thanks!

AN: Thank you, bloodytears666 for helping me with the chapter! BTW, silly people, stop being mean, okay?

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I got out of my bed and drank some bodily juices from a bottle I had. I took off my giant t-shirt, which I used for pajamas.

My friend, Raven, woke up then and grinned at me. We put on our makeup

"OMG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked, as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No, I so freaking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah, right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied.

"Guess what?" he said.

"What?" I asked curiously.

"Well, some band is having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Freaking. God!" I screamed. I love that band. They are my favorite band, besides that other band I like.

"Well, do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

AN: Stop saying mean things about my writing, silly people! Thanks to the other people for good reviews! Thanks again, Raven! Oh yeah, by the way, I don't own the lyrics for Good Charlotte.

On the night of the concert I put on clothes and makeup. I drank some bodily juices so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car

"Hi, Draco!" I said.

"Hi, Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying car and flew to the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to some band. We both smoked. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to some other band.

The lead singer sang a song about giving birth.

"That guy is so freaking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly, Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we danced to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok; I don't like him better than you!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco and he put his arm around me.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know that guy and he's going out with Hilary freaking Duff. I freaking hate that little loose woman." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde hair.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked some other guy and that one guy for their autographs and photos with them. We got concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into the Forbidden Forest!

AN: Oh my goodness, I told you to stop saying mean things! Ebony's name is _Ebony_, not Mary Sue! The reason Draco is acting so different is because they knew each other before, okay? Thanks to Raven for the help with the story.

"Draco!" I shouted. "What the freak do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car on the ground and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too.

"What the freaking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his red eyes which revealed his inner feelings, and then, suddenly, I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out intelligently against a tree. He took of my top and I took off his clothes. I even took off my undergarments. Then, we had vaginal intercourse.

I made sexually pleased noises. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my body became warm. And then

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFREAKERS!"

It was Dumbledore!

AN: Stop being so mean! If you are mean, it means you are a silly person! The reason Dumbledore swore was because he had a headache, okay? My goodness. Thanks to Raven for the help with the story.

Dumbledore made Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludicrous fools!" he shouted at us.

I started to cry tears of bodily juices down my face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall, both of whom were looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked, "Because I love her!"

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said, "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah, I guess," I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and combed my hair. When I came out, Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing a song by some band. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

AN: Shut up, silly peoples! I won't update until I get some good reviews!

The next day I woke up in my bed.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with bodily juices instead of milk, and a glass of red bodily juices. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the bodily juices spilled over my top.

"You moron!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up because I was looking into the pale white face of a boy. He didn't have glasses and there was no scar on his forhead. He had a somewhat attractive English accent. He was so somewhat attractive and my body went all hot when I saw him, in a sort of way that made me think of penises.

"I'm so sorry." he said.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I asked.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Harry these days." he said in a grumpy fashion.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human bodily juices." he said, laughing like a girl.

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he said.

"Yeah." I replied loudly.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me, so I went away with him.

AN: Well, okay you guys, I'm only writing this because I got some good reviews. I won't write the next chapter until I get ten good ones! You are being so mean to me! Ebony is not a Mary Sue, she is a Satanist! And she does in fact have problems, such as her depression!

Draco and I held hands as we went upstairs. I waved to Harry. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then, we started French kissing halfheartedly and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took off my top. Then I took off my unreasonable undergarments and he took off his pants. We went on the bed, and started making out naked, and then we engaged in more vaginal intercourse.

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed, while getting an orgasm, when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo on Draco's arm with which I was previously unfamiliar. It was a heart with an arrow through it. On it in writing was the word 'Harry'!

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you freaking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDS, anyway!"

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. His penis was very large, but I was too angry to really care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Harry classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"HARRY POTTER, YOU MOTHERFREAKER!" I yelled.

AN: Stop being mean! If you do, then you are a silly person!

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room, totally nude, and started begging me to take him back.

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend Hermione smiled at me understandingly. She flipped her hair.

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demanded angrily in his cold voice, but I ignored him.

"Draco, I can't believe you cheated on me with Harry!" I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

(This is Draco speaking.)

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had gone out with Harry (I'm bi) for a while but then, he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid silly people freaker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was. (Haha, like I would hang out with a silly person.)

(End of Draco's narration.)

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Harry.

"Yeah, freaking right! Freak off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest, where I had lost my virginity to Draco, and then I burst into tears.

AN: Why are you all so mean? I didn't read all of the books! This is based on the movies, okay? It's not my fault if Dumbledore swears, despite the fact that I wrote it, and besides, I explained that away by saying he had a headache! And the current reason for Snape not liking Harry is because Harry practices Satanism, and Snape is a Christian! That band I like really rocks!

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I had engaged in vaginal intercourse with Draco.

Then all of a suddenly, a horrible man with red eyes and no nose started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose! It was Voldemort!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice.

Then, Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. A ginger cat appeared out of nowhere and landed on Voldemort's head. Voldemort fell off his broom, and started to scream. I felt bad for him, even though I'm a sadist, so I called the cat off.

"Ebony," he yelled. "Thou must kill Harry Potter!"

I thought about Harry and his eyes and his hair and how his face looks just like that guy in that band. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought: what if Draco went out with Harry before I went out with him, and they had broken up previous to my and Draco's relationship?

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged, despite the fact that I was toting a gun and could probably kill him.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou doesn't, then I shalt kill thy beloved Draco!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a look on his face that demonstrated his lack of belief in my mental well-being. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly, "so I canst move things with my mind. And if thou dothst not kill Harry, then knowst thee what will happen to thy Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods. I immediately forgot my previous run-in with the Dark Lord.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi," he said back, but his face was sad.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No," he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you, but I thought you cheated on me," I explained.

"That's okay." he said, with a tone of voice that expressed sorrow, and we went back into Hogwarts together. On the way, we kissed passionately.

AN: Stop being so mean! If you don't like my story, then freak off! P.S., it turns out that Hermione isn't a Muggle after all. Also, she and Harry are evil now, so that is why they moved houses, okay?

I was really scared about Voldemort all day. I was even upset whenI I went to rehearse with my metal band. I am the lead singer of it, and in addition to that, I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between this one band, a different band and that band I like. The other people in the band are Hermione, Harry, Draco, Ron and Hagrid.

Only today, Draco and Harry were depressed and weren't coming, so the rest of us wrote songs instead of playing. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists and Harry was probably watching a depressing movie.

I was wearing revealing clothing. You might think I'm a slut, but I'm really not.

We were singing a cover of a random song, despite having decided to just write songs instead, and at the end of the song I suddenly burst into tears.

"Ebony! Are you OK?" Hermione asked in a concerned voice.

"What the freak do you think?" I asked angrily. Unable to hold it back, I said, "Well, Voldemort came and the freaking jerk told me to freaking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill Harry, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort will freaking kill Draco!" I continued crying.  
>Suddenly, Draco jumped out from behind a wall.<p>

"Why didn't you freaking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you freaking, poser, Muggle, loose woman!"

I continued to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too. Then he ran out.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbledore walked in! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't because he had a headache.

"What have you done?" He started to cry. "Ebony, Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists, even though apparently the only way you can kill a vampire is with a cross or a stake."

AN: I said, stop being mean, you silly peoples! See if this chapter is stupid! It deals with really serious issues! See for yourself if it's stupid. By the way, thanks to my friend Raven for helping me!

"No!" I screamed. I was horrified! Hermione tried to comfort me but I told her to freak off and I ran to my room, crying to myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting, but he had to stop when I went into my room, because he would look like a pervert if he followed me.

Anyway, I started crying tears of bodily juices and then I slit both of my wrists. The flow from my wrists got all over my clothes, so I took them off and jumped into the bath while I put on a song at full volume.

I grabbed a stake and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so freaking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on more clothes. I couldn't freaking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed.

Snape was spying on me while taking a video tape of me! And Lupin was masturbating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"Ew, you freaking perverts, stop looking at me! Are you pedophiles or what?" I screamed, putting on a towel, even though I was fully clothed. Suddenly, Harry ran in.

"Avada Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Lupin, pointing his wand. I took my gun, which Voldemort had given me, and shot Snape and Lupin repeatedly. They both started screaming, and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumbledore ran in, apparently not caring if he was a pervert or not. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NO!" he shouted, looking at Snape and Lupin.

Then we all were outside. Dumbledore had just finished his sentence.

Then he waved his wand, and suddenly, Hagrid ran outside on his broom and said "Everyone, we need to talk. "

"What do you know, Hagrid? You're just a Hogwarts gamekeeper!" said Snape.

"I may be a gamekeeper… "Hagrid paused angrily."But I also practice Satanism!"

"This cannot be," Snape said in a crisp voice as bodily juices dripped from his hand, where Dumbledore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors."

"You don't have any!" I yelled madly.

Lupin held up the camera triumphantly. "The lens may be ruined, but the tape is still there!" he exclaimed.

I felt faint (more than I normally do, when I do not drink enough bodily juices).

"Why are you doing this?" Lupin said angrily, while he rubbed his dirty hands on his cloak.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before, but not from Hagrid. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy, or to bite him and drink his bodily juices because I felt faint.

"Because…because…" Hagrid said, and he paused in the air dramatically, waving his wand in the air. Then he swooped in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

"Because you're obsessed with the color black?" Snape asked in an afraid voice, because he was afraid it meant that Hagrid was connected with Satan.

"Because I love her!" Hagrid wailed.


End file.
